My Dreams Are Not My Own

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As a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a mama when I was older. I’ve always had a passion for children, but after marriage, we quickly learned it was not going to be easy to make my dream of motherhood come to fruition.

“As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.” Psalm 127:4

We soon began to experience miscarriage after miscarriage and surgery after surgery, and I began to lose hope. I started to experience a truth firsthand that I already knew in my head. God’s ways are not my own. (Isaiah 55:8) My life is God’s to do with as He sees fit. After seeing specialists and crying out to God on behalf of our hearts’ desires we were blessed with a boy miracle and, 19 months later, with another boy miracle.

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It wasn’t until we were blessed with our girl miracle and later lost her that I began to say…” I can’t believe this is my life!” You see, I was still in my 20’s. I had my dreams and my life planned out perfectly. Probably the same way you do. But when I held my newborn in my arms while listening to burial instructions, I knew my dreams were exactly that. They were mine. And mine alone. I hadn’t been praying for God’s will and for God to align my dreams with His. Rather, I tried to explain to the Lord that I had a pretty good set of plans and I felt He should consider them.  I now know and acknowledge His plans for me far exceed my dreams for myself.

“For we know not what we should pray for as we ought; but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26

This past week we received an adoption case. Case 22 to be exact.  This case, well, it seemed perfect. We were excited to put our yes on the table, and we waited to hear if we had been chosen. There were only two families being presented to this particular birth-mom, and we were one of them. I was to the point I wanted a baby so much I felt confident our time had come, and we would be the family chosen. Sam and I both spoke to the social worker who was handling the case, and we sent in all of the necessary pictures and information. We both felt “good” about it. Let’s be serious a second: who wouldn’t want us to be their child’s family? (That’s rhetorical. Don’t answer!) As the hours ticked away and we continued to wait for a decision, my confidence quickly faded away. The Lord was giving me the peace I needed to know I would be okay if we weren’t chosen. A day passed. It seemed like an eternity waiting to hear the birth-mom’s decision. Another day passed… It was the morning of day 3 that I received word that we were NOT chosen. It was a hard text to wake up to. I needed Jesus, some deep breaths, a glass of SunDrop, and to call the hubs. He was out of town for work, and he took the news much better than I did  well. He was at peace.

“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart”. Psalm 37:4

I sent my beautiful friend and adoption consultant this image and an accompanying text…

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“I just read this and smiled. I feel like I wrote it.

I never dreamed this… That this brokenness would be my lot in life. But when I got your text that we weren’t chosen, my heart was at peace. I was so happy for the other couple. I didn’t want to hurt them by us being chosen and so I had prayed they would be. It hurts still, and tears stream my cheeks as my (secondary) infertility is more real than ever before, but it’s in the Savior’s hands. He has given me peace, grace and strength to walk another mile of this journey. Molding my dreams into His plans for me, and it was a beautiful glimpse of what’s to come!”

“But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.” Romans 8:25

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I’m not tooting my own horn by sharing this with you. Rather, I hope you’ll see that I’m tooting the horn of my Lord and Savior. A year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to pray for that other couple we were “competing” against. But I am living in a rainy season of brokenness, and just like the ground, my heart is soft. Humble. Raw.  Just at the right stage for Christ to mold me and make me more like Him. He has given me such a deep passion for adoption. A passion that goes further than just wanting to adopt a child of my own.

I’ve been praying for months that God would give me a glimpse that He is working and moving in our joy journey, and even though we weren’t chosen in this case, He showed me how my own heart had changed.  No, this wasn’t how I saw my life going. But no one ever thinks they will have to bury a child or a spouse. Rebuild a house or sign divorce papers. We don’t dream of the rainy seasons; we only dream of the sunshiny ones. Rainy seasons are a must to get us to grow into the people God intended us to be. His plans for us are perfect.  So, with all things considered…it was a beautiful glimpse! Have you ever found yourself like me, dreaming? It may be of a future spouse, a baby, a job, a house, etc. when all of a sudden those dreams are wrecked? Here are the words God would say to us.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 “His thoughts towards us are peace and not evil.” Jer. 29:11 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. Hang in there, friend. I’m with you, saying, “I can’t believe this is my life!”  But I do know that in a split second He can (and will) give beauty for ashes. So let’s leave it in the Savior’s hands. His dreams are always better!

“…to give unto them, beauty for ashes, the oil of  joy for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;” Isaiah 61:3

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