My Dreams Are Not My Own

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As a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a mama when I was older. I’ve always had a passion for children, but after marriage, we quickly learned it was not going to be easy to make my dream of motherhood come to fruition.

“As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.” Psalm 127:4

We soon began to experience miscarriage after miscarriage and surgery after surgery, and I began to lose hope. I started to experience a truth firsthand that I already knew in my head. God’s ways are not my own. (Isaiah 55:8) My life is God’s to do with as He sees fit. After seeing specialists and crying out to God on behalf of our hearts’ desires we were blessed with a boy miracle and, 19 months later, with another boy miracle.

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It wasn’t until we were blessed with our girl miracle and later lost her that I began to say…” I can’t believe this is my life!” You see, I was still in my 20’s. I had my dreams and my life planned out perfectly. Probably the same way you do. But when I held my newborn in my arms while listening to burial instructions, I knew my dreams were exactly that. They were mine. And mine alone. I hadn’t been praying for God’s will and for God to align my dreams with His. Rather, I tried to explain to the Lord that I had a pretty good set of plans and I felt He should consider them.  I now know and acknowledge His plans for me far exceed my dreams for myself.

“For we know not what we should pray for as we ought; but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26

This past week we received an adoption case. Case 22 to be exact.  This case, well, it seemed perfect. We were excited to put our yes on the table, and we waited to hear if we had been chosen. There were only two families being presented to this particular birth-mom, and we were one of them. I was to the point I wanted a baby so much I felt confident our time had come, and we would be the family chosen. Sam and I both spoke to the social worker who was handling the case, and we sent in all of the necessary pictures and information. We both felt “good” about it. Let’s be serious a second: who wouldn’t want us to be their child’s family? (That’s rhetorical. Don’t answer!) As the hours ticked away and we continued to wait for a decision, my confidence quickly faded away. The Lord was giving me the peace I needed to know I would be okay if we weren’t chosen. A day passed. It seemed like an eternity waiting to hear the birth-mom’s decision. Another day passed… It was the morning of day 3 that I received word that we were NOT chosen. It was a hard text to wake up to. I needed Jesus, some deep breaths, a glass of SunDrop, and to call the hubs. He was out of town for work, and he took the news much better than I did  well. He was at peace.

“Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart”. Psalm 37:4

I sent my beautiful friend and adoption consultant this image and an accompanying text…

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“I just read this and smiled. I feel like I wrote it.

I never dreamed this… That this brokenness would be my lot in life. But when I got your text that we weren’t chosen, my heart was at peace. I was so happy for the other couple. I didn’t want to hurt them by us being chosen and so I had prayed they would be. It hurts still, and tears stream my cheeks as my (secondary) infertility is more real than ever before, but it’s in the Savior’s hands. He has given me peace, grace and strength to walk another mile of this journey. Molding my dreams into His plans for me, and it was a beautiful glimpse of what’s to come!”

“But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.” Romans 8:25

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I’m not tooting my own horn by sharing this with you. Rather, I hope you’ll see that I’m tooting the horn of my Lord and Savior. A year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to pray for that other couple we were “competing” against. But I am living in a rainy season of brokenness, and just like the ground, my heart is soft. Humble. Raw.  Just at the right stage for Christ to mold me and make me more like Him. He has given me such a deep passion for adoption. A passion that goes further than just wanting to adopt a child of my own.

I’ve been praying for months that God would give me a glimpse that He is working and moving in our joy journey, and even though we weren’t chosen in this case, He showed me how my own heart had changed.  No, this wasn’t how I saw my life going. But no one ever thinks they will have to bury a child or a spouse. Rebuild a house or sign divorce papers. We don’t dream of the rainy seasons; we only dream of the sunshiny ones. Rainy seasons are a must to get us to grow into the people God intended us to be. His plans for us are perfect.  So, with all things considered…it was a beautiful glimpse! Have you ever found yourself like me, dreaming? It may be of a future spouse, a baby, a job, a house, etc. when all of a sudden those dreams are wrecked? Here are the words God would say to us.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 “His thoughts towards us are peace and not evil.” Jer. 29:11 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. Hang in there, friend. I’m with you, saying, “I can’t believe this is my life!”  But I do know that in a split second He can (and will) give beauty for ashes. So let’s leave it in the Savior’s hands. His dreams are always better!

“…to give unto them, beauty for ashes, the oil of  joy for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;” Isaiah 61:3

This Time Last Year

On this day a year ago I saw this sweet face up close for the first time. Her little button nose and tiny lips. Her cheek bones are defiantly mine and she looks like her big brother C.G. As I laid there with cold gel on my tummy I was mesmerized at her tiny features. Her little arms and legs were just so perfect. I could have laid there watching her for hours. I was there waiting to hear the words I’d been hoping and praying for…”It’s a GIRL!” Ahhh, thank you Lord! A precious daughter! A little sister to these two amazing boys! Tears streamed down my cheeks. My heart was full. The day was wonderful! All was right in the world!

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Lo, children are the heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward. Psalm 127:3

I quickly grabbed my phone. The lady at the bakery was patient with me as she waited for my text. She was waiting to fill the cupcakes I had ordered with either pink or blue filling, for us to share the news with our family! When we left our ultrasound, we went to Chick fil a to celebrate and enjoy our pink filled cupcakes! Everyone was happy and excited about our wonderful news. God had blessed us once again. And we were savoring the excitement and yummy cupcakes!

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A year ago this week, I bought pink… Pink shoes, pink dress, pink hair bows, pink blankies. Just pink! I blew up my pintrest board with amazing little outfits and hair bow holders that of course would never become reality. I felt it was necessary to be pinning these adorable baby girl things so I sacrificed my to do list and wasted countless hours in dream-land, aka pintrest.

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A year ago this week, We knew our daughters name would be Allie. That was Sam’s grandfather’s name and we had always known from the beginning of our relationship that if we were ever blessed with a daughter her name would be Allie, in honor of his papaw. We kept going back and forth with her middle name, and on her last day we decide Allie Grace fit her perfectly. (Grace means to get something you do not deserve; unmerited favor.)

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My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor.12:9a

A few weeks after we found out were expecting a girl my Mother in law and I made a special trip in search of the most beautiful fabrics, for Allies bedding. We picked out and purchased the prettiest fabrics for Allie’s quilt. We had a great time together and I was so excited to be picking out the fabrics to the quilt my daughters grandmother was going to be making her. A quilt she would have for a lifetime to play on and sleep under. It was another wonderful day preparing for and celebrating sweet Allie!

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She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. Prov.31:18-19

 My Mother in law has been working tirelessly to complete Allie’s quilt. She gave it to me a few weeks ago. It brings tears to my eyes to hold this beautiful gift. A gift that was chosen and created for my precious, teeny little girl. My girl who will never know the love behind this beautiful quilt. She’ll never know the hours spent at the spindle, cutting, ironing and sewing to make this quilt perfect. Perfect for her and difficult to create (because her Mommy thought it would be fun to challenge her Jengy by choosing the most difficult quilt pattern every created)! She’ll never get to lay on it with the warm sun beaming down on her as she plays with her toys or fall asleep cuddled beneath her quilt.

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Allie Grace doesn’t need to know the love behind this quilt or feel the warmth it gives off because my baby girl is with her Creator. She is with the one who made the Sun to shine. The one who created the cotton plants to which this fabric was created from. She will never know what it’s like to be cold. Or have a need for a blanket. She is with her Savior. Her Heavenly Father. She has all the love, warmth and fun, far beyond anything I can imagine. She is living the good life. No tears or darkness. No scary dreams or skinned knees. My girl is in a land where there are no teary eyes, or sad goodbyes. She is in her Heavenly home. And one sweet day I’ll join her…

This story…God’s story, has a far greater purpose than we can understand.

The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21

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