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Disclaimer: I’m not writing this for your pity…I’m writing this because I want to be honest.  Raw.  Authentic.  We can go on with our lives putting on a happy face and acting like we’ve got it all together, but the truth is we are all just broken people in deep need of the Savior’s help.

“Let us come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in the time of need.”:  Hebrews 4:16

My boys have been watching Old Yeller, and I just absolutely love this quotation from the Father to the Son…

“That was rough…. Thing to do now is try and forget it…. I guess I don’t quite mean that. It’s not a thing you can forget. Maybe not even a thing you want to forget…. Life’s like that sometimes… Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin’ the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted. But it’s not all like that. A lot of it’s mighty fine, and you can’t afford to waste the good part frettin’ about the bad. That makes it all bad…. Sure, I know – sayin’ it’s one thing and feelin’ it’s another. But I’ll tell you a trick that’s sometimes a big help. When you start lookin’ around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.”-Old Yeller

If you are grieving or have grieved a loved one, you’ll completely understand me when I say you just never know what is going to set your grief off! Just like Mr. Coates tells Travis in Old Yeller, “Life’s like that sometimes… Now and then for no good reason a man can figure out, life will just haul off and knock him flat, slam him agin’ the ground so hard it seems like all his insides is busted.” You may have days and/or weeks that you’re surviving, making the most out of what God has given you. And then there are days where something sets you off, and there you are…just barely hanging on.  Laying there feeling like your “insides is busted!”  Yep, I had that happen yesterday.  Out of the blue, I was smacked in the face with the reality that I am a grieving mother… And once something sets you off, you are susceptible to Satan sucker punching you the rest of that day and possibly the following day until you surrender to the ugly cry (and maybe or maybe not to a box of doughnuts!).  The tears fell yesterday, and as much as I wanted to get back on my feet and as much as I wanted to wake up hearing …

“Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah
Zip-A-Dee-A
My oh my, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine heading my way
Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah
Zip-A-Dee-A”

I didn’t.  I woke up to find I was still broken.  Still struggling to breathe.  A sadness had a strong grip on my heart. Satan whispers in my ear, “Failure. Ungrateful. Unworthy.”  Because I have been so blessed, yet the tears are still falling today.  Why can’t I just shake this grief and move on?  I am a blessed woman.  I have a husband who works hard despite his MS and two amazingly cute little stinkers to love on yet…I cry.

“My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.”: Psalm 73:26

It has been nine months since I touched her tiny hands, kissed her on the forehead, and gazed at her beautiful little face.  It has been nine months since I last dreamed if she would look like me or her daddy.  Nine long months since I told my sweet girl goodbye.  It still seems so surreal!  So ugly and bad.  But just as Mr. Coates tells Travis, “But it’s not all like that. A lot of it’s mighty fine, and you can’t afford to waste the good part frettin’ about the bad. That makes it all bad…. Sure, I know – sayin’ it’s one thing and feelin’ it’s another.”  Sayin’ it and feelin’ it are two very different things, and I sure am feeling it!  But this story isn’t all bad and sad.  You see,  Allie Grace is with her Maker.  Her Creator!  She is in Glory and will never know no pain or heartache.  God is still the same.  He was there with me nine months ago when I walked into the hospital with her full of life, her tiny feet kicking inside of me, and He was the same when I was rolled out of the hospital with a big belly and empty arms.  He hasn’t changed.  I have.  As much as I’d like to be the author of this story, I’m not.  God is.  He wrote this story long before I was ever born, and He has blessed me and chosen me to narrate it for you all reading and watching it unfold.  There is good in this grief that is yet to come…

“…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”:  Psalm 30:5

“But I’ll tell you a trick that’s sometimes a big help. When you start lookin’ around for something good to take the place of the bad, as a general rule you can find it.” And just like in the book One Thousand Gifts (see Favorite Books), I have decided to look for the good in grief.  And I count those gifts of joy, as we wait for our morning to come…

• Sticky little toddler fingers needing to be washed after the enjoyment of a warm doughnut
• Tuck asking Sam, ” Will you help me sing “Jesus Loves Me”?”
• A buggy full of groceries and the means to purchase them
• A full box of Kleenex
• The boys helping make fresh baked cookies
• Blue skies peeking through the storm clouds…